WARNING: When I reassembled my head this morning, I had three screws and jelly bean left over. I'm going to keep the screws in case they come in handy but I have already eaten the jelly bean.

Occasionally a little freeform, crazy writing does wonders for the soul. It allows you to just bang away at the keyboard like a monkey trying to pick up hundreds and thousands with tweezers. I don't expect it makes great reading though. So it got me thinking: Do I write this for the reader or do you read this for the writer? Unlike the Chicken and the Egg conundrum, we know the writing came first. Its not like anyone came up to me and said, "What do you think?"

I think a lot of different things and a lot of the same things differently. By that I mean sometimes my mind wanders and I find myself out in the middle of nowhere without a map or any water. I mean this metaphorically of course. Other times I find myself considering something quite obvious and mundane and then I stand up and walk around the object of consideration and look at it from the other side. In this case, the object represents a principle or concept rather than a cup of hot chocolate for instance. A cup of hot chocolate is pretty much the same from over here. And from here. And from here as well. I'm having hot chocolate this morning.

Which brings me finally to the point of discussion of today's blog. DW and the Art of Knowing Exactly What She Wants To Hear. This is a Martial Art and I have a white belt. I may have already touched on this topic in the past but I feel that its worth mentioning, even if it is again.

DW will frequently offer me two choices. Sometimes she will hold them aloft before me and sometimes she will point at them in a magazine. Occasionally she will describe them in exquisite detail for twenty minutes each and then ask me which one she should buy, make, buy and make, eat, buy and eat, make and eat, buy and make and eat, wear, buy and wear, make and wear, buy and make and wear, buy and make and wear and eat. Now you are probably thinking a specific example would help demonstrate my point. But it wouldn't. In fact, it really doesn't matter what the two choices are because this is not the Art of Knowing Which Fabric Goes With Her Complexion, or the Art of Having More Money For The Buying Of Fabric. No, this is the Art of Knowing Exactly What She Wants To Hear, so it really doesn't matter what the choices are. What matters is being able to work out from the myriad subtle clues what she wants you to say.

Rule #1: Don't under any circumstances give your actual opinion. It is not wanted, needed or right.

Rule #2: Listen. Listen really hard. Not because she wants you to, but because your life depends on it.

Rule #3: Read Rule #2 again. I don't think you've got it.

Rule #4: Be observant. Watch how she holds things or points at things. She will be telling you which one to choose.

Rule #5: Seriously, read Rule #2 again.

Rule #6: NEVER, under any circumstances, reply too quickly without apparent due consideration.

Rule #7: NEVER, under any circumstances, reply too slowly or you will seem uninterested.

Rule #8: NEVER sound too sure. You might as well call her an idiot for even asking.

Rule #9: NEVER sound too keen. She will think you are mocking her. If you think quickly and are extremely lucky, you might get away with this one if you can convince her you are actually gay.

Rule #10: NEVER, EVER pick the wrong one. Just don't.

Well, that's how I got to be a white belt in the most dangerous martial art known to man and female life partners. I share this wisdom with you now because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and when all shall be redeemed. You want to see some world-class grovelling? Stay tuned...

Ciao!

Thought for the Day: If Mark Twain were alive to read this he would be really, really old.